One of my favorite Instagram accounts to follow is “Dude with a sign”. I know, it’s old news and many of us have been enjoying the cardboard signs of this Aristotle wearing sunglasses and a t-shirt, but his observations still make me a laugh on days when I really need it. Here are just a few of my favorites:
“Stop showing me ads for things I just talked about.”
“‘See you next year’ isn’t a funny joke.”
“Post pictures where your friends look good.”
“Put more chips in the bag.”
“Stop wearing Nike pants with Addidas shoes.”
“TV Anchors don’t need to report from inside the hurricane.”
“Don’t trust people who prefer sparkling water.”
“You don’t need to tell us you’re leaving social media.”
Trust me, these are so much better to see a picture of than read about, so treat yourself and check out his account. “Dude with Sign” really taps into something primal. These are all things we think but don’t always say out loud.
During my last post, I talked about the importance of “not conforming” to ideals or values in order to keep the peace. Quite honestly, true peace isn’t achieved through going with the flow, it is realized through unity. When we conform, we simply accept things that we sometimes don’t agree with. Unity is so much better.
But how do we tell the difference? How do we know if we are conforming or maintaining unity?
In my opinion, there are signs. Here are five of them:
I think the biggest problem with conformity is that it mimics unity. You have a group that accepts you, that includes you in their activities and it feels good to belong to them. So far, so good. Being a part of something bigger than yourself and finding a community of people that get you is hard to find.
However, there are some unspoken rules. It is in the fine print or hanging in the stratosphere or ethos of the organization. Here are a few.
1) You have to agree to belong. Sure, there is power in agreement. Yes, our faith is a set of beliefs that we hold as true, and without that truth, we are hard-pressed to explain what we hold dear. However, many things are disputable from denomination to denomination and from church to church. Toxic conformists have a long list of things that you must agree to, many of which are debatable. Here’s the biggest drawback to conformity:
When you disagree, you are disavowed.
That may sound harsh but it is true. In spaces where there is a long list of things you are required to believe, or even a short list of disputable issues, there is also an unspoken agreement that if you have a unique perspective on it, you aren’t welcome to share it. I know, there are some places where they tell you, you are welcome to share it but when you do, you are treated like diseased cattle or like you passed gas in a crowded area. People distance themselves from you emotionally and physically.
Here is why that happens.
2) Sameness is important to conformists. You will usually find it in environments where leaders are insecure and there is a high value placed on control. Conformity requires agreement on things like the number of days God took to create the planet, which translation of Scripture is the right one, when Jesus is coming back, how Jesus is coming back, and how long His hair will be. It has to be at least shoulder length. Otherwise, all of those pictures on my Nana’s wall were wrong.
Sameness is easier than having a group of diverse opinions and backgrounds. There is less fighting and things feel more comfortable…for a certain group of people.
Part of sameness, is that you have to agree on who the good guys are, and who the bad guys are. In other words…
3) You are against the same people. Let’s get real. It feels good to view the same people as the enemy. You feel seen. It gives you an outlet for your frustration and rage. It is quick and easy to organize around making someone else the enemy. There is even a name for it: enemyship (like friendship or companionship). No, I didn’t make that up. I found it online and everything online is true. In case you need me to say it, that last part was deeply sarcastic.
When you have a common enemy it gives your self-esteem a boost (we are the “good guys” and they are the “bad guys”), it provides us with comfort and gives us certainty during chaos. The problem is, it is a false sense of identity. Not to mention it sets up an “us vs them” mentality that causes further division during a time that is pretty divided.
4) You ask for permission rather than an opinion. Conformity has a nasty habit of infantalising people. Do you remember when you had to ask for permission from your teacher in the first grade to go to the bathroom? That’s why I mean. You couldn’t make any moves in first grade that didn’t require permission. When you are in a high-control environment, you begin to distrust your instincts. In fact, you are told that your immediate reactions to things are “of the flesh” but a carefully measured response is “of the Spirit”. Please hear me out. I am a firm believer in being led by the Spirit. However, I also believe that part of that is trusting that your conscience is informed by Him.
My point is, that sometimes unintentionally (I hope), some churches teach us that we can’t trust ourselves but we can trust our leaders. Often leaders project that they have cracked the code and somehow figured out how to follow Jesus more effectively. When we do that, we are weakening our congregations not strengthening. If part of our job as leaders is to equip our people but they are constantly coming to us for approval or permission in their personal lives, we are not helping them, we are hurting them.
If from upfront we attack specific movies, political parties, musicians, actors, athletes, companies, or people groups, we are sending a mixed message. Somehow the Pastor has insider knowledge to these groups that…stick with me…God gave him/her that you do not have. When that sort of paradigm is set up, and you begin to distrust your own opinion about what you can watch, listen to, attend or support…you begin to treat your congregation like children.
5) Fear is the fabric. You can’t have toxic conformity without fear. It is woven into the fabric of it. It cannot exist without it. Fear creates an environment that makes the illusion possible. The one where you can’t trust yourself. The fascade that your enemies are out to get you and you must “strike first, strike hard with no mercy.” (Apologies for the “Karate Kid” reference, it seemed like a perfect opportunity.) Fear is a quick motivator that jolts us into abandoning our common sense.
Shame is a tool of fear. If certain people are “keepers of the truth” and you have to ask permission instead of using your intuition, the answer that is typically given is “God said it, that settles it!” My first question might be “Did God say that?” (Please avoid the temptation to quote Genesis 3:1) You may want to look into it. A better question might be, “When God said that, what did He mean?” Secondly, that is a subtle, or not-so-subtle, use of shame. It all depends on the decibels used in the delivery. If questions are not welcome, it is usually due to insecurity. The “keepers” may or may not have a good answer to the question so they resort to blaming God for it. Faith communities should be spaces where questions about our spirituality are welcomed and addressed. The answer might be “I don’t know.” It could be quoting Scripture and letting God speak for Himseslf. However, “that settles it” isn’t an appropriate response in my mind. The goal of shame, in regards to questions, is to silence the one asking the question.
Shame is a tool that keeps you the same.
Shame shuts down dialogue in attempts to return you to the Borg. Remember the Borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation?” No? You mean…you actually had friends? For the rest of us, Star Trek TNG presented us with a terrifying enemy known as “The Borg”. Their goal was assimilation. Assimilation meant that every one of them looked the same, thought the same, and in essence they were the same.
Look, I realize the importance of a common confession in faith communities. I mean, I’ve been a pastor for the past twenty years. I get it. In fact, it is really important to have common values, beliefs, and causes. We’ll cover that in the next blog.
Here’s my point. Toxic conformity is a cheap knock-off of unity. It’s like when I was a kid and I went to buy Polo Cologne but accidently bought Pool because the name and label were almost identical. It was much like the other time I went to buy Drakkar Noire and came home with Drakkar Dynamic. It seemed like the same thing but I just thought I found a sale. Instead, I ended up smelling like a junior high kids gym locker, minus the stinky socks.
Conformity mimics unity but there comes a time when it is intolerable.
Unity is so much better than conformity. Our world has moved toward conformity because it is easier to monitor and it feels good to find people who agree with you. I get it, we all feel that way. The problem is, faith communities are supposed to be different. There is a quality to unity that is difficult to explain but when it is found, you never want to leave. Unity is hard work. Unity is uncomfortable at times. However, the results of unity are far better than conformity.
Unity requires a graduate-level education in the school of hard knocks. It isn’t for the faint of heart. It is for those who desire a life of love and will fight to have it. However, love doesn’t fight other people for it, it fights are deep seated desire for what is quick and easy.
If you want to hear more about a life of unity, tune in next week and we’ll kick it around.
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