Nothing stops me dead in my tracks like a question that cuts through all the pretense and self-delusion.
There are a few questions that I have no problem answering. Paper or plastic? Steak or Tofu? Coffee or tea? (I’m a coffee addict.) Dogs or cats? (My wife and I will answer differently on this one.) Honestly, there is no right or wrong answer to that last one despite what most people tell you. I love dogs but cats don’t need a sitter when you go on vacation. They have their merits. Sorry Harley (Harley’s my dog).
Then, there are ones that are more challenging for me. Star Trek or Star Wars? Marvel or DC? Reeses Peanut Butter Cups or Peanut M&Ms? Would you rather take a free vacation to the beach or the mountains? No one has offered me that last one, I’m simply putting it out there.
Then some questions make you stop everything and reconsider your life.
How about this one…”What do you want?” On the surface, this seems pretty innocuous. It’s one of those questions that make me think “I should be able to answer this one.”
The most challenging part of that question is that I often think about what I need to do rather than what I want. On average, my “need to” bucket is a list of things that I have to get done that day. Hopefully what I “need to do” is in direct correlation with what “I want” to do, but who has time to connect the dots?
Growing up in the evangelical church, I was often taught that “what I want” was mostly evil and only led to bad places. If you follow your heart, you’ll end up a drug-dealing, puppy-kicking, bank-robbing axe murderer who worships Beelzebub (or so the logic goes). You’ll be helpless to stop the process of course once it begins. You might even go to a rock concert.
It stemmed from the idea that “the heart is deceitful above all else…who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) If you trust your feelings, as Obi Wan taught us to, you’ll ignore logic and ruin your life.
For example: If I get mad, what I want to do is punch someone in the face. Should I do that? Some of you might be saying “depends” but I’ll go with a solid “no” on this one. I should not punch someone in the face when I am angry.
If you “want” to leave your spouse and family because you’re bored, you probably shouldn’t act on that and leave your family. “See” (the little evangelical pastor on my shoulder says) “You shouldn’t do what you want because it leads you to sin.”
The problem with that theory is that Jesus Himself asked the question at least twice in the Gospels. Sure, you can sidestep that question by saying that He asked “What do you want from ME?” It sounds pretty holy and righteous but the effect is still the same. You plumb the depths of your heart in search of what you really want.
If we trace what we want back to the original source, it will probably lead you to a deep-seated need that you have. These are desires that are lodged in the depths of your soul that were placed there by God and they should lead you toward greater meaning.
The bad stuff, sin, is almost always a perversion of something good. Lust comes from a desire for sex or intimacy. Both are good things, both were created by God to be enjoyed within a safe and trusted relationship. God wants us to enjoy them but boundaries are necessary. Greed is a distortion of a strong desire to provide.
Sure, if our desire has no boundaries to it, it can become twisted. Which is why it is good for us to evaluate what are desires are and what is at the root of them.
The reason this question is so challenging is that it takes a considerable amount of work to get to the essence of what you want. Sometimes, we are afraid to ask it because it might require life change, it could necessitate counseling, and you may even need to come to terms with something you’ve done that has caused real damage to yourself and others. All of this takes time and is uncomfortable but is worth the time it takes to do it.
You may be avoiding or running away from something you should be running to.
Sure, you can ignore that desire for awhile but…
The problem with that is your body keeps the receipts. Even if you ignore it, your subconscious won’t. There is something in your soul that won’t let go of it. “What do you want from me?” might lead you toward some answers. It could cut through your self-deception or the things that you do to cover it up.
Because when Jesus asks the question, He is capable of healing the hurt.
Once Jesus asked a blind man a question: “What do you want me to do for you?” I know, it seems hurtful but there is power in saying what you want out loud even if the answer is obvious.
When Bartimaeus answers with “I want to see.” Jesus gives him his physical sight. Jesus heals the man when he identifies what he wants (Mark 10:46-52). He wants to see and he trusts that Jesus is able to give him that. He ends the exchange by saying “Your faith has made you well.” Jesus makes a comparison here, and in other places, that faith and seeing are similar. You perceive something spiritually as you might see something physically. You discern things with your faith and you identify things with physical sight. The comparison goes on and on.
Now, I know what you may be thinking. I’ve asked for something I’ve really wanted before and Jesus didn’t answer. I know, I’ve done the same thing. Let me assure you, there have been times that I have begged God for something that I know isn’t coming from a selfish place, and I don’t get the answer I was hoping for.
My point isn’t “if you identify what you want, Jesus will give it to you.” In my opinion, that is a dangerous theology to start peddling. People with cancer, loved ones in hospice and people struggling with lifelong illnesses or mental health lose all hope when they pray and don’t get the answer they were asking for.
I’m also not saying that if it is a REAL need, Jesus will answer your request. I am saying that part of the process of healing might include you saying out loud what you really want. It may even lead you to some deep-seated desires that you didn’t know were there.
In doing so, you know how to pray, who to set up appointments with and what life change you need to experience to begin to heal if it is possible. At the very least you might know where your pain is coming from. You could help those going through the same thing. In knowing what suffering you are bearing the weight of, it can give you confidence in moving forward.
My encouragement to you is, ask yourself what you want from Jesus and what you want from life. Do the hard work. Sort through the pain even if it takes counseling or medication. Pray for God’s help to heal you and have faith that He hears you. He will either heal you from it or give you the strength to keep going despite it.
Faith, hope and love to you my friends.
“And not only that, but we also boast in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:3-5
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